The creation of need: a birthday present

Hooray, I get to buy a birthday present! I love buying and making presents (more of that later), but sometimes, my super hot, topless male muse is a bit slow on his feet and does not inspire me at all. Still, he's topless. However, I need to find a birthday present for a bored Capitalist in the land of the banks. A very bored Capitalist who is also looking for a job. I have this project that I am working on at the moment,  '25 Days to 25', a mammoth project if ever I've seen one, where I dedicate some time every day to the creation of, what is essentially a glorified diary for creative people. A mood book, if you like, dear non-existing reader. 

Here is a detail of the cover picture: I call it
 'Daniel Craig through the mincer'
(and I've cut him in pieces, too)

It's coming along nicely, I have written, pasted and rambled into it every single day since the beginning of March - and I do not see a reason why I should loose interest or creative drive. But for a quarter-centenarian, a simple book is not enough, is it? I was really inspired at first, but then realised, I have no cash to spend on original art, or anything else for that matter. And I lack talent for most other things. I even thought about making a blog for the bored Capitalist, but it's much more fun pasting stuff into a book. Then there are several rules I must obey in the search of the gift: a. it has to be postable (this rules out the Pug) b. it has to be a no-food (my own rule, don't encourage eating) c. it has to be really fun (common knowledge) d. it can't be a voucher (see c.) e. it can't be a graffiti-ed mannequin, a customised dress, a petticoat, a hat, candles, cosmetics, homewares or a two-tiered cake. Which leaves me with......what? 

In eleven years, I have outsourced cool birthday gifts, including fake vouchers for intimate piercings. So what now? Should I make a fresh start? Buy a pyjama? A scarf? Should I try and breed funky birthday gifts, like they do when Tuna has been outsourced? I can see a birthday gift farm with lots of free range birthday gifts, reared and fed to perfection, ready to be presented to somebody. Seeing that I can't even keep a blog alive, I doubt that I'd be much of a birthday gift breeder, but you never know.

I have managed to isolate my problem: it has to do with narrative. No narrative, no gift, that seems to have been my policy for the last eleven years, and unconsciously, I want to continue this line. ('A newspaper subscription!' cries my inner self, but no, I have done that as well) I have googled birthday gifts and frankly, the websites are appalling: you would only buy something on a designated birthday gift website if you're desperate and can't really stand the person, or don't really know them.  This smells like a business opportunity (just saying). 

So narrative: I had an idea whilst serving beer to people who don't buy art. I will make a gigantic box filled with empty promises. HA! Doesn't that sound cool? Also, I want to include one of these pug-cards I saw in Spitalfields Market, the ones that have little legs attached and are filled with helium. Joy of joys, I love completely pointless gifts.